Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Blowin' in the Wind

I'm not real great with heights, but I walked up to the top of this observation tower at the local state park. Did you know that perfectly secure structures sway when you get up that high? Woooooh! That's a little freaky. Funny how you forget your science until you get up there. Plus, the stairs were open, so I could see the ground getting further away with each step. However, the view is gorgeous up there. Contrary to popular belief, Nebraska is actually really pretty. A little flat, and it's still the middle of nowhere, but it's pretty.

Still, I was happy to be on the ground again.

Just Silly

The authors of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail are suing Dan Brown because they say he stole their ideas for The DaVinci Code. Good grief.

First of all, they presented their book as nonfiction. Therefore, it's a theory that can be used and talked about. Therefore, writing a work of fiction that brings forth a known theory, is not stealing! Geez.

Second of all, The DaVinci Code has been out and on the bestseller list for over 3 years. And now that the movie is getting ready to come out, NOW they want to sue. Unbelievable.

I hate being manipulated.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Knitting Projects

Here are two of the latest knitting projects I'm working on. The small one is a baby hat for a friend's new baby (it's being knitted in the round). The other is a poncho that I can't wait to get done!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sex Pistols Vs Hall of Fame

The Sex Pistols have turned down an invitation to be inducted into the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame. Well, duh! Does this really surprise anyone? I would be disappointed if they did show up.

Here's the article. Warning, if you are stickler for grammar, don't read very closely. Then again, if you're a stickler for grammar, you probably aren't interested any way.

The Women of Today

Jay sent me an article that he knew would get those hairs on the back of my neck up. And he was right, so I have share it here. It is an article about how the Southern Baptists are trying to take over control of the women's missionary union. The women's group has been independent since 1888. But, the SBC doesn't like that they work with other Baptists or the fact that they don't have any control over this group. And those are not my words, read the article here.

Then Jay said, "Aren't you glad so many of your fellow women voted for Bush?" Of course I'm not happy so many voted for Bush. And I'm surrounded by women who did, who are equally shocked that I didn't. I don't know how to explain to them that I see a train wreck coming when they are so blissfully happy.

Women are just reflecting the movement that been coming for years. They stopped supporting each other as they acquired more (what they perceived of as) power, then wondered why they felt so disillusioned and alone. So, they turned to husbands and families to fill the void and now they are conservatives!

Women have to feel needed and they want to be warm—that’s what the feminist movement has failed to admit and accept. The image of the cold-fish, powerful, intellectual woman who has sex when SHE wants to just isn’t appealing at the end of the day. I think that women want balance in their lives, and after all these years they still battle that because they have the extremist yelling at them that they are doing it wrong. No wonder they are relenting and letting their husbands or men in general take over. They’re tired, and it’s just easier to let someone else do the heavy stuff, so that they can take care of things at home. Look how the first thing people say on those home shows is, “We just love to entertain.” Woman as hostess, woman as cook, woman as homemaker—that’s where their pride lies. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as they realize that encouraging women to abdicate their power back to men, they are also giving up the choices and the independence the women before them worked so hard to achieve.

End rant. For today.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Laughter in Heaven

Don Knotts passed away. I'm sure he's keeping everyone laughing in heaven.

Cross SD off the list

Well, on my list of places I might want to live in or visit, guess you can cross off South Dakota. I just can't believe they are seriously considering outlawing abortion. It's not a debate about the morality of abortion for me, it's about a woman's right to choose being taken away. A legal procedure that is being outlawed because a group of men are trying to push their agenda. It's really hard to put this into words because I'm so angry.

*I'm angry at this group of men deciding what's best for the women of the state.

I'm angry at conservatives for manipulating the American public to the point of controling the most personal and individual choice a woman has.

*I'm angry that conservatives preach and preach about small government and how the liberals are trying to tell you how to live your life, yet they have been chipping away at our right to choose for years. And it looks like they are succeeding because the American public are too naive to see they are being dictated to instead of led.

*I'm angry that so many important concerns are being ignored to benefit the converstive, right wing, Christian Coalition agenda--SD would not allow abortion in any situation other than the life of the mother, ignoring rape, incest, poverty, so on.

*I'm angry at the image in my head of a group of smug, old, arrogant men laughing and hi-fiving each other with their Bibles for finally putting women in their place and for pushing the conservative agenda ever closer to the point of domination over all our freedoms.

*I'm angry that I know these people supporting this new ban don't give a damn about the women in their state. All they care about is their political position. This is just the first step. Next step will be other states, then the Supreme Court. [Shudder]

Think I'm exaggerating? I don't. Wake up! We're being manipulated and controlled by a group of crusty old men who want to control everything in our lives. Don't let it happen! Vote out the republicans!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Yes, I Can!

I gave myself a shot today! I practiced on an orange, then I did it. And holy cow, it was easy and painless. And that's a good thing because I pretty much have to do this once a week for the rest of my life. So, good thing it was easy.

I have a mild case of MS, but with medication, it hopefully won't get much worse for a long time. The Avonex I'm taking slows the progression of the disease and decreases the number of flare ups I'll have. And if it works, it's worth one little shot a week.

I'm just so friggin' proud of myself. I'm not horribly needle-phobic and I had really worked on calming myself down and felt ready for it. But I'm still proud of myself.

And can I admit something really kind of silly? I was watching the propaganda informational DVD that came with my medicine, fully expecting to be talked down to. But I'm actually glad I watched it, just for the testimonials. Not only because one of the hosts of the DVD was a neurologist who has MS (he has MS and can still be a doctor!) but because there was a young woman who admitted that one of the things that had upset her about having MS was that she couldn't wear her favorite high heel boots and shoes again. But being on the medication she can. And I started crying because I had thought the same thing! It's such a simple thing, but I want to wear my high-heeled boots! I like how I look and feel in them, and I was afraid that as this disease got worse, I'd be wearing old-lady, comfortable shoes. I know, such a shallow thing, but somehow it represented some of the freedom I might be losing, and here was this woman saying that it doesn't have to be that way.

OK. That's enough confessions for one night. I'll do lighter stuff later. It's probably time for a Daily Dog update. Or I'll take a picture of my latest knitting projects. Anything but talking about illness.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Been a long time

Jay scolded me because I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy.

Sort of.

OK, I'll admit it. I've been playing this totally addictive game that I got to from Fark. com. It's called Blueprint and you can find it here.

I'm only on level 7 and I'm stuck! I can't figure out how to get that stupid ball to hit the target. And the game is so new that there aren't any tips yet. So, I sent it to my friends and family, knowing that they, too, would become addicted. Then someone would figure out that damn seventh puzzle and tell me how to do it.

I'm still waiting!

So, I guess I'll just try it again. There's got to be a way!


I’m learning Italian because I’m going to Italy next year. I’ve learned that “Ciao” is very familiar, that cappuccino is considered a morning drink, and that to pronounce “grazie” correctly, you have to pronounce the “eh” at the end, not just “ee”.

I’ve also learned that I probably will not be speaking much Italian when I go to Italy because all I can remember after 6 weeks is “Mi chiamo Kelley.”

It’s a fun class and it’s a beautiful language, but I’m just not putting the time into it that I should (there’s that damn “should” word again). It’s a non-credit class with no tests, so I only have my own encouragement and self-discipline to learn. THAT won’t work. Plan B!

OK, there is no Plan B. I’m going to become comfortable with this language. At least I can read a menu and count, so I can eat and pay for my food. I figure that’s pretty good. But they speak so quickly, that I need to find out how to say, “Can you repeat that slowly, please?” I need to get a list of comments like that and “Where is the bathroom” and ask my teacher, Rosalie, how to say them.

We have a 2-week break, then we start Italian II. So, I’ve got 2 weeks to get up to speed on the stuff I should already be up to speed on.


Saturday, February 18, 2006


It's so cold here that it froze our friggin' cable! Aaaaahhhhh! No Internet access! We actually got up early and went to Panera Bread Company for breakfast because they have free Wi-Fi. And Al doesn't like Panera!

Good ego boost, though--I had mucho emails from my friends and families. Most just chatting. I love email.

So, how cold is it? The high today is 8, and the low last night and tonight is -2 or colder. But did we let the cold stop us? Hell no! We went out for pizza with friends then went out for dessert with them then went to a motorcycle show today. Yeah, I know. Kelley went to a motocycle show? That's just the kind of supportive and loving wife I am. Actually, it was pretty cool. There was some "Orange County Chopper" style bikes there, and some really old Harleys, Indians, and Triumphs. And leather! Holy Cow I've never seen so much leather in all my life. And chains, but we won't go there.

The cool thing is that I got a red rubber "Support MS" band. The MS Society has a motorcyle "Poker Run" fundraiser. It's like the yellow Lance Armstrong bands, which I would have too, but since I've recently been diagnosed with MS, I decided to get one. It's cool and it seems to cheer me to wear it. For some reason, when I look at it, it reminds me that just because I have MS, doesn't mean everything is over. It reminds me there is still a lot of work being done and that there are people out there who support MS research and care. It also kind of reminds me to be happy and go out and do! Not because I should before it's too late, but because there's no reason not to.

Mmmmmmmm, Al made coffee and it's almost done brewing. And genius that he is, he's decided we should put Irish Cream in it. Double Mmmmmmm. I think I'll pour a big cup and pick a new book to read. Hmmmmm. Mystery, adventure, or nonfiction? Choices, choices, choices.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

I Should Be

I had a therapist once tell me that I had a huge “should list.” Part of our sessions were convincing me that some of those things aren’t really “shoulds,” and that I put too much pressure on myself to do everything that I think I should be doing instead of what I really should be doing. Does that make sense?

No, I didn’t think so. Basically, she’s telling me I’m trying to take on too much and that maybe, just maybe, some of the things I beat myself up over, aren’t so important and therefore should not be a “should.”

So, what to do? Why, make a list of course! Ya gotta start somewhere. I can’t cull until I know what I’m dealing with. So, here it goes, in no particular order.

I should be:
1. Exercising every day instead of lucky-to-get-it-in-three-times-a-week.
2. Cleaning the house more often and more completely.
3. Vacuuming more than every 3 weeks or so. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t vacuum. I just keep putting it off until Al can’t stand it and he’ll vacuum.
4. Cleaning my shower more often. One word: Eww
5. Eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
6. Not eating 5 servings of something fried a day.
7. Spending more time reading a book rather than reading Project Runway message boards.
8. Typing up the stuff from the committee I’m chairing for the church bulletin instead of typing this silly list.
9. Trying to stop procrastinating. Oh look, there’s an episode of Charmed I’ve only seen 4 times; guess I better watch it again.
10. Figuring out what to cook for dinner.
11. Actually cooking dinner.
12. Cooking healthier meals.
13. Brushing my dog every day so that when I take her into the groomer, she doesn’t look at me like I’m the Joan Crawford of Doggie Moms.
14. Traveling more.
15. In Scotland.
16. Preparing for our trip to Italy next year.
17. Studying my Italian language homework.
18. Writing every day.
19. Finishing that short story and send it out.
20. Working on that novel I’ve been wanting to write and can’t sleep because I keep dreaming scenes for it.
21. Petting my dog. I will love her and pet her and squeeze her and hug her and call her Daily Dog.
22. Loving Al more.
23. Not taking Al for granted.
24. Telling my family that I love them.
25. Forgiving my father.
26. Not worrying about my mom, my brother, my husband, and my dog all the time.
27. Going out with my girlfriends instead of staying alone in my house.
28. Pampering myself more often, maybe my skin would look better.
29. Shaving my legs more often.
30. Praying more often.
31. Knitting more often and actually finishing the projects I’ve started.
32. Scrapbooking more often and actually finishing the projects I’ve started.
33. Painting the closets, my bathroom and my craftroom.
34. Learning how to spin yarn.
35. Appreciating that I have a warm house, food in the frig, and a husband who loves me, puts up with me, and takes care of me. And he’s a nice guy, too.
36. Not feeling like I’ve wasted a huge part of my life since I’ve been diagnosed with MS, as if I won’t be able to do the things I still want to do.
37. Liking myself more than I do.
38. Letting people like me and letting them in.
39. Dreading the weekly shot of Avonex.
40. Giving myself a break.

OK, that’s enough. It’s getting late, and I really should be working on other stuff.

Should? I’m growing to dislike that word immensely

Ya Gotta Stretch Yourself

When I volunteered to chair a committee for our church's pledge campaign, I thought it would be very good for me. I thought I needed to stretch myself and start taking on some responsibility and using my brain again, after a year break while living in Ohio.

Right aftwards, I decided I was out of my mind! What was a I thinking? Leading a Spiritual Life committee with 10 members, all looking to me for orders and direction? Never again.

But, I was right the first time. It was a good idea for me to take this on and to stretch myself. I'm working with an amazing group of people who are willing to do anything to help. And not only that, they thank me for the work I do! I don't think that's happened before.

So, this stretching myself and taking on things that might make me uncomfortable is good thing. I should do it more often.

And I'll probably get the chance, especially with this church. I made the mistake of telling my pastor that I was a little bored. You should never tell your pastor that you're bored--He will always have something for you to do. But that's OK. I need things to do to get me motivated to do more.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Cheney Takes Responisibility

Seems to be the theme of this administration, "I take full responsibility," after I've tried to blame someone else and the American public saw through it. Now that the injuries are worse than first thought, now that it's not just a matter of him not coming forward sooner, now that he has no other choice, NOW he takes the blame.

Unbelievable. Arrogant. Cold-hearted and typical.

This is a horrible story. It would be horrible whoever it happened to, but it's even more horrible that it has happened to a leader of the country. Not because he's more important, but because he sets an example, a bad one. The first stories came out that the poor old man (notice how many times they gave Whittington's age?) didn't let Cheney know. What did they tell Whittington's family? "Sorry your dottering old man didn't let me know he was there like he was supposed to"? Did they also tell the family to stay quiet? Haven't heard much from them.

But let's not think about the victim, let's think about poor, "shaken" Cheney. Yes, it sucks that he has to go through this publicly, but that's what happens when you are the second most powerful politician/man in the country. You're held to a higher standard. And I don't blame them for waiting until they knew Whittington was OK before they released the information. And I do think they had more than a say in what Armstrong said to the press. And it was a bad decision to give it to the Corpus Christi paper. That's not a slam on their paper or their importance in this country, that's a statement of opinion. It was a low-down, sneaky thing to do. Make it seem like not such a big idea by giving it to the local press. Then, when it come out, blame the national news as bad losers:

"I had a bit of the feeling that the press corps was upset because, to some extent, it was about them — they didn't like the idea that we called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times instead of The New York Times," he said. "But it strikes me that the Corpus Christi Caller-Times is just as valid a news outlet as The New York Times is, especially for covering a major story in south Texas."

None of this was handled well, and it's just another example of this administration thinking they are so much smarter and so much above the citizens they are vowed to serve.

Is There No Hope at All?

Sheesh! First, a low-fat diet isn't the cure-all that everyone thinks. Turns out it doesn't have as big effect on heart disease and cancer as we thought.

Now, calcium isn't as good as we thought! The latest is here. I'm not quite to the age that I have to worry about this, but I always felt a little safe because I get a lot of calcium, being a big milk drinker, cheese eater, yogart eater, orange juice with calcium drinker . . . But now, even a supplement isn't enough.

There's just no hope. Might as well go eat Fish-n-Chips at the Dundee Dell and drink some more beer.

Not Surprised

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!

You drink everyone under the table.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

That's OK, Too!

Woo Hoo! If it can't be the PBGV, then the Scottish Deerhound is just as good! This is Ch Thistleglen Margot. The deerhound took Best Hound. Now, onto Best in Show!

White House Finds Humor in Hunting Mishap

Yet, I don't find it funny at all. But that's this administration for you. Try to get away from anything that might show them in a bad light by making jokes and demeaning the whole issue. If this had been Hillary, do you think they'd be making these jokes? Here's the article.

Root for the PBGV!!

Ch Celestial CJ's Jolly Fairchild is the PBGV competing in Westminster tonight. Root for Best Hound then on to Best in Show!

You Know You've Been Married A Long Time When . . .

You don't do anything for Valentine's Day and you don't feel guilty. OK, maybe a little guilty. Al brought home flowers, a card and some Godiva hearts last night. They were still in the store sack, so he just brought them out one at a time and handed them to me. It was really kind of sweet. No more pretense in this relationship! He'll be working on the day, so he got the stuff early. Then I realized that I hadn't gotten him anything!

He said not to worry about it and don't do anything. He knows I've been a little preoccupied with the diagnosis and immanent weekly shots. So, I'm going to take him up on that.

Then my wonderful brother and mother sent cards and Snickers hearts! OK, now I really feel guilty. I didn't get them anything, either. But they, too, understand, I'm sure.

One of these days, everything will become routine again, and I won't feel like I'm just making it one day at a time. Then maybe I'll start working on some changes in my attitude and get some stuff done.

Maybe I should make a list? Naw. Too broad right now. I need to wait until I can think of specific goals. So, I'll just put that off for a while! Yeah! See, I'm returning more to normal every day!

Monday, February 13, 2006

For the Scotland Fans

Been watching Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman in "Long Way Round," and McGregor makes me want to go back to Scotland. So, just thought I'd throw up a picture of a Scottish Coo.

Just Too Wild!

This is a gorgeous dog, but Wow! Al calls it the "rasta" dog. I've seen these dogs as puppies and the don't have this coat. It developes over time into those cords. Just amazing. It didn't win Best Working Dog, the rottie did, but this is such a cool dog!

Friday, February 10, 2006

And Yet Another Fraud

I've been reading about "JT LeRoy" being a fraud for a a while, but now it is official. The latest article is on cnn.com. The actual writer, Laura Albert, wanted to get her work recognized. Congratulations, it worked! Aren't you proud? You aren't really a 25-year-old former male prostitute and drug addict; you're a liar and a fraud. How did you get yourself into this? Didn't you think for a moment, "This will never work. This has been tried before, and they almost always get caught."

The article says that she did it for her estranged partner, Geoffrey Knoop. Estranged? So, now that you aren't a couple any more, there's no bond there to keep the secret? Apparently, Mr. Knoop just couldn't handle the pressure of deceiving the public:

"He's wanted to come clean and let JT fade away," attorney Eric Feig said of Knoop late Monday. "He wanted to take the high road."

Yet, the next sentence:

He's also secured a movie deal to tell his side of the story, Feig said.

Beautiful. I wonder how much Albert is getting for her side of the story. And I wonder if she'll get to write the screenplay.

Cute Daily Pic

"A little help here." Daily wants to go for a ride. Unfortunately, you can't see her tail wagging. She loves going for a ride.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Project Runway Is Taking Over

OK, I admit it. After the new episode of Project Runway, I go directly to the website and read Tim's Blog and listen to his podcast and read the boards. I can't help it! I'm addicted to this show, and I don't know anything about making clothes, let alone fashion. But I like reading all the remarks and sometimes I actually agree with them.

This week, Nick was out. I haven't blogged after every new episode, or you would believe me on this next statement: I saw it coming. He wasn't making good choices any more, and the judges were getting tired of him. Not that I think those judges really have any say in who's in or who's out, but still, the writing was on the wall.

Speaking of writing, the reason all this is pretty predictable has to do with writing technique. If I was writing this as a book, how would I hint that a favorite designer was going to be out? OK, besides having a commercial where Heidi says, "Next week, one of your favorites will be out." How would I structure the favorite designer leaving?

The designer who seemed so strong, starts to fall apart. He begins to falter under the pressure, swinging between being a drama queen who has been wronged to being an over-confident yet spoiled child who won't stop to think about what he's doing. The judges start complaining that they are tired of seeing the same ol' design from him ("If I see a fishtale hem again I'm going to scream"). He ends up in the bottom of the pack, instead of the top. He's missed being "out" twice, now.

He is soooooo out of there.

Yet, there's a more practicle, plot-line reason he has to go: Because now the real drama of who will be the final three can be played out on the next episode, where we are down to 4--1) Chloe--the expert technician who always does a flawless job, even though it's not always that exciting; 2) Daniel--the recent fashion school graduate who has come out of his shell to win at least four challenges and had immunity on this last one, saving him from a good chance of being out; 3) Kara--the other girl, the one who sews well, but is unsure of herself, so much so that she is always asking other's advice. There's no way this woman has an original, high-fashion line in her; and 4) Santino--the rebel, the obnoxious one who pisses everyone off not only because he pushes the envelope of fashion but because many times he does it badly, resulting in an unwearable and down-right ugly garmet. Yet, he stays.

High drama in deed.

God! I can't wait for next week!!!!

Oh, and I really think Kara will be gone next week. She may do a really pretty evening gown, but there won't be anything really special about it. And, like I said, I just can't see her doing a whole line, which is what the final three have to do. Besides, there are over 90 pages on the PR message board, most of the messages complaining about Santino. Why would they give that up by getting rid of him?

But, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

A Mild Case, but . . .

The doctor thinks I have a relatively mild case of MS. My symptoms are suble, and usually, whatever symptoms you have in the first 3 to 5 years is what you'll be dealing with through your life of the disease. So, I'm getting off easy, and I feel very lucky that they caught this with only 1 lesion showing up on my MRI, a little pain in my cheek, a little fatigue, and a little problem losing words.


Did you know all the medication for MS is through injections that I'll have to give myself? I'm lucky that I'm getting the smallest dose and that it is only once a week. However, it's a bigger needle and has to go into a muscle (thigh, rump). I was pretty upset, but I'm starting to come around. I understand how this will help me. It will slow down the disease so it won't be too debilitating too early. And it reduces the number of lesions and relapses I'll have. And that's great. Unfortunately, it won't stop the symptoms I already have, so they will always be with me. Makes sense I guess, there's nerve damage. Can't repair that.

So, the nurse will come and show me and Al how to give the shot. Once a week for the rest of my life, I'll do this. Kind of hard to wrap my head around that. But maybe they'll have an oral medication in that lifetime. And maybe they'll find a way to create this medicine without it costing over $1,000 a month! Again, I'm lucky. I have a husband in the military with a good health care plan. There are ways to get help and insurance for those who need it, but how frustrating to have to be dealing with a disease, an injection, and the costs of it all.

A friend said I was so strong and stoic. Hmmm. I don't think so, really. It's just something that I have to do. I have my moments that I feel sorry for myself. And I imagine that the next day Al is at work, I'll be spending most of it crying into my pillow to release all this stress and fear. But, really, I know how lucky I am. I got diagnosed quickly and early, I got diagnosed at a time when there is medication available that will help, I have good health care and good health insurance, and I've got the support of my family and friends. I try to remember all that.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Gotta Be Smarter Than The Machine

And I'm not. But I finally got my avatar up. Actually, Jason, my brother, got it up for me. After many "why won't this work" emails, he got it to work for me. He even suggested this one.

Ain't Daily cute? Wow. This was in one of her fuzzy stages. We clip her in the summer, but let her get all shaggy for the winter.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


What a stange feeling it is to know that you have a disease.

It was confirmed yesterday that I do have Multiple Sclerosis. Huh. And the only emotional response I had was, "Whew." No crying. No "why me?" No, pity party. I was actually relieved. Finally, there's a reason for why I have this pain and feel the way I do! I'm not crazy! I'm not a hypochondriac! I'm not a whiner!


OK, I'm still a whiner, but not about being sick.

Everyone else was surprised. When one has a test, such as a spinal tap, everyone seems obligated to be optimistic. And I felt obligated to be optimistic right along with them, but I knew what the results were going to be. That's not being pessimistic, it's being realistic. It's just too much of a coincidence. I have a pain in my cheek that runs along the trigeminal nerve, the radiologist who reviewed my MRI said the white spot was consistent with patients with MS, the attitude of the neurologist changed while he looked at my MRI and he ordered a spinal tap, and the optometrist did a peripheral vision test and my blind spots are "larger than she likes to see." The cards were pretty stacked. The spinal fluid just proved what I already knew--I was positive for Oligoclonal Bands and IGG (immunoglobulin) in my spinal fluid. Patient is positive for MS.

So, my friends and family are wonderfully sympathetic and supportive. They are trying deal with the news. I'm ahead of them on that because I've been dealing with it for weeks now. I'm ready with my response that this is not a fatal diagnosis and it could be years and years before it gets really bad. If all I have to deal with is a little pain in my cheek, hell, I'm getting off lucky.

There is something scary. Of all the symptoms of MS (and no one has all of them), the one that upsets me most is loss of cognitive ability. Unfortunately, I think that's one of my symptoms. Not horribly noticable, but thinking back, there maybe some loss there. The most obvious for me is losing words. Now, I know everyone has moments when they can't remember a word. I understand how common that is, but at the risk of sounding like a whiner, it's not the same. I'll be talking to Al, and I come to a word I just can't say. I know what it is and I know what I want to say, but I just can't get it from my head to my mouth. It's more than "on the tip of my tongue." It's in a fog that it appears then disappears into, and I can't get it. I didn't forget the word, it's lost. And it won't come to me later. I can say words similar to it, and eventually, Al figures out what I'm saying and supplies the word for me. Damn. It is so frustrating. And it's very scary. What's the one thing I want to make a living at? Writing. And what's the one disease I get? One that takes away my ability to come up with words.

OK, so maybe I'm having a little pity party. It's really not that melodramatic, but in those wee hours when everyone else is asleep and my mind is racing, this is where it goes.

So, the goal now, besides getting to the MS clinic and getting on medication, is to enjoy and do as much as I can while I'm strong enough to do it. And I better get busy! There are stories to write, countries to explore, Scotch to drink, yarns to knit, and books to read (I'm way behind in my Ian Rankin books).