Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Overwhelming Affect of Fear

It's 4:01 on a Tuesday afternoon, and I have nothing to show for the day. OK, I did go to the gym, which is pretty great considering that I'm still feeling sorry for myself because of the spinal tap I had Friday, even though I should have worked out harder and longer. But ain't that always the case.

No, it's now 4:04 and I have nothing that I should have or could have been doing done. I have phone calls to make for the committee I'm on, but I absolutely hate talking on the phone. And I especially hate calling people I don't know. And I could be studying my Italian lesson for tonight, but this isn't for a grade or anything, and I know the numbers, which was the main assignment for tonight (zero, uno, due, tre, quattro, cinque, sei, sette, otto, nove, dieci--from memory!). I could be working on one of the 4 knitting projects I have going on. I could be painting my craftroom downstairs. I could be writing. I could be reading. I could be setting up deadlines and assignments for the committee members to hand out Monday night at our meeting. But I sat on the couch watching Poirot mysteries--ones I had seen before.

Why do I do this to myself? I just feel guilty and lazy. I've decided it's fear. I feel kind of frozen. And I'm having little anxiety attacks. I'll think about the phone calls I have to make, the test reults I'm waiting for, and the responsibilities of this committee I'm chairing and my heart starts beating a little faster. See! Just typing those words made my heart beat faster. It's silly, I know. Maybe I stopped that anti-depressant too soon.

Now it's 4:22 and I'm losing interest in typing this because Charmed is on. I've only see this one about 4 times, so I guess I have to watch it again, huh? Class is at 6:30 tonight, so I only have about an hour and a half left to dread it. Then I can come home and dread the phone calls I have to make tomorrow.

And did I mention that I'm still waiting for results from a spinal tap. A SPINAL TAP people! No, it wasn't that awful--getting the blood work was actually worse--but it's just the very idea that I had to have a long needle inserted into my spine and the fluid sucked out. And I was awake for it, too. But Al really came through for me and held my hands and kept me calm. Everyone is positive that the results will be negative. I'm not making any guesses--I'm screwed either way. If it's positive for MS, I have MS and will wish that I had changed my insurance over to USAA before it was too late to do so. If it comes back negative, I'm in for more tests. And if any of those include a needle being inserted into any part of my body, forget it! I'll live with the pain. It's a just a little discomfort in my cheek.

Well, that's enough angst for one entry. Think I'll go pet my dog for a while.

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