List-o-rama

You will achieve a grand dream, a day at a time, so set goals for each day / not long and difficult projects, but chores that will take you, step by step, toward your rainbow.
--Og Mandino

I'm an organizer freak, I admit it. I love organizing tips and tools, and The Container Store is my mecca. One of the best gifts Al ever gave me was a label maker. But what I found at the bookstore has got to be the best thing ever!

So, let me set this up for you. I am a list maker. Not just "a list" maker, but many lists, with sublists and subcategories. I've even made a list of things I need to make a list for. And I write them down on whatever I have handy, so I find them in pockets or in my purse or in a basket of yarn. The problem is that since I'm an "all planning and no follow through" kind of person, all these lists are doing is cluttering my house.

Enter the most amazing book ever! A book of lists!




Organize Now! A week-by-week guide to simplify our space and your life. Here, in 234 pages, is every list I've ever made and some I haven't but should have. Instead of me writing all these lists on slips of paper and being frustrated because my lists need to be better organized, here they are in a spiral-bound book, which is designed to look like a day planner (which is what attracted me to the book in the first place).

Jennifer Ford Berry takes weekly installments to get you organized. With checklists, tips, ways to stay organized for the whole year, and places for notes, she outlines everything to organize your papers, your things, each room in the house, storage areas, and special events like vacations and holidays.





It's a beautiful thing. And here's the really amazing part--I'm using it! I can't seem to keep it to a week because everything takes longer than I think it will, but my goal is that by the 2009 holidays, we will be living in a house where there's a place for everything and everything is in its place. Since Al is seriously thinking of putting in his retirement papers next year, it would be one less stressful thing if we had all the house stuff in order so that he could focus on adjusting to a civilian life.

The only hard part so far was the suggestion that I write down my top 10 priorities and schedule time in my planner to contribute to my priorities--it can be something as simple as calling Mom. The problem is that I couldn't come up with 10. I'm not sure what that says about me. Am I ignoring some priorities? Am I not being honest with myself? Is my life really that dull that I can't come up with more than 5 priorities. I think it's like my kitchen in San Antonio. It was the largest kitchen I had had, and I excitedly called my mom to tell her that I actually had empty spaces in my cabinets. "Not for long, I bet," she said. And she was right. By the time we moved again, my house-hunting parameters included a big-enough kitchen for all my stuff. So, although there's an opening right now on that list, I'm sure I will fill it up.

I've got lots to do, huh? I've found that if I will leave the tv off, it's amazing how much I get done. I've replaced the tv with podcasts. However, I'll waste hours looking up podcasts on iTunes. I've traded one procrastination tool for another. Oh well.

So the theme for the rest of 2009 will be "Organize This!"

And because I can't have a post without pictures of the cutest dog in the whole wide world, here's one of Cosette doing her latest trick and one of her in her favorite place on the couch.

Good News All Around

Sorry I haven't been around. It was just so exciting seeing our new president being sworn in and seeing so many people filled with the audacity of hope.

Plus, there's more good news. You might not have known that it's been a little stressful around here as we waited to see what the military was going to do with Al--move him or keep him here. Well, I'm happy to say we are staying here. They've extended him for another year and by the time they could give him another assignment, he'll be well within the window to put in his papers to retire, if that's what he wants to do. That decision changes daily; luckily, he doesn't have to decide right now.

But, we don't have to sell the house this spring! We don't have to rush to get the last of the updates done. We'll be here for the next Scotland trip with our friends from the Dell. We can go down to Kansas City for the Highland Games and maybe stay a few extra days. We can take some small trips. I can find a part-time job. I get to stay with my doctor. Cosette gets to stay with her vet. Al gets to stay with his motorcycle buddies. I can sign up for some classes I've been wanting to take. I can make plans for . . . hell, I can just make plans.

So, 2009 has started out pretty well. I feel like the gods are trying to tell me to keep up the energy that's already been started here. I better get busy!

Catching Up with a Ramble

I'm down right giddy about going back to Arkansas next week to go to War Eagle craft fair with my bestest bud, Angie, and to my grandmother's 90th birthday. She's an amazing woman and I'm looking forward to seeing some family members I haven't seen in a very long time. Well, actually, I think I'm looking forward to seeing the family members. See, when my folks split and my dad remarried, his new family became the ones who went to all kind of stuff. My grandmother and a couple of aunts and uncles made an effort to make us still feel like we were part of the family, but there's only so much they could do. So, I probably won't even recognize a lot of these people. OK, so that's probably more info than you needed. But I'm taking Cosette, so they'll love her. As we all know, love my dog, love me. That's the rule.

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I am the world's worst doggie mom. While we were in Virginia, I was constantly trying to keep fleas off of Cosette. I didn't take extra Frontline with me because I figured I could get some there, but the vets I went to wouldn't sell me any because she wasn't their client. I ended up getting Advantage or something like that which seemed to help. Once I got home and got her back on Frontline she's been fine. But too little too late. Because she would eat the fleas she took off herself, she has worms and had her first big ol' pill and half today and will have to have more in 3 weeks. In the meantime, I have to be diligent about picking up after her (which is going to be really gross, the doc warned, telling me it will be "wormy" Ew). But she'll be fine. I'm just kicking myself for not taking the Frontline with us.

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I hate not knowing the future. I'm not always that way, but it's just kind of stressful right now. We don't know if we're going to stay here or have to move. There's a good chance he could go on remote (probably to some place dusty) and could be gone any where from 6 months to a year. There's just as good a chance he could be extended here and be able to retire. There's also a good chance we could move somewhere for another assignment and just love it. All I do know for sure is that if we have to put the house on the market any time soon, there's a good chance we won't be happy with how long it will take to sell it nor how much we will actually make on it.

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The weather has been gorgeous around here! Just gorgeous. Thank goodness we are having a lovely fall.

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We have the most stubborn dog in the world. For over an hour, she sat by the pantry door in hopes of getting a treat. I stayed on the couch, ignoring her because she has gained quite a bit of weight and we are trying to get her back down to a healthier size. Every now and then, I'd hear a soft little whine or sigh, just to let me know that she was still there.


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I think the press should start referring to the "undecided" voters as who they really are: the "it's none of your damn business who I'm voting for so stop asking" voters.

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We're having a pumpkin-carving party a week from Saturday, and I can't wait. I'm in that fun planning stage again where I'm looking through my tried-and-true recipes and magazines for new ones. But I have to make jalapeno poppers and the chocolate trifle because requests have come in. Once I've decided, I will post the menu and put up some recipes. This blog isn't all about the dog, you know. *thinks about it* OK, so it's a lot about the dog and I will include a picture or two of her, but she's just so darn cute!

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Did I tell you guys that I found a therapist to talk to? Well, I did, and it's getting pretty hard now. She says I need to stop pushing people away and withdrawing from society and being so overprotective of myself and my feelings all out of fear of being hurt. So, my question is when do I get to start blaming other people for my anxieties because so far, it all seems to be on me. I would choose a therapist who won't let me be the victim, or at least she did at first then turn it all around and said, "but you've let yourself stay in this cycle and we need to work on breaking it." Well hell. If I knew it was going to be this much work, I would have just continued my program of self-healing by buying another carton of Ben and Jerry's and watching old movies, even though the only progress that would have made would have been on my waist line.

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Did you know Playboy makes women's Halloween costumes? There's something so right about that. Apparently, they're the best quality of the other ready-made costumes in the store. I'm leaning towards Naughty Nurse because the French Maid makes me think of cleaning and the Cheerleader is just a little "ew" for my taste.

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I know there was something else I was going to tell you, but now I can't remember what it was. But believe me, it was eloquent, witty, and brilliant. So, I'll just end on pictures of Cosette. She gave me her approval on my grandmother's afghan that I knitted.

Ehm, Mememememe . . .

I've had a glass of wine, so maybe this would be a good time to do the "6 things I'm proud of" that I told Janet I would do. I just read my mom's and it was great. Let's see if I can follow in her footsteps.

1. I'm proud that people who come to my home describe it as "warm." Every place we've been, our house has been a "hang out" place. I always have something to throw together as a snack and of course, there's always something to drink if you care to indulge in a little Scottish warmth. And now Cosette is there to welcome you and lead you into the living room, where she will jump up on the couch with you, just to make sure everyone is comfy. Well, that and so she'll be within easy lovin' distance.

2. I'm proud that I took that stick out of my butt and have relaxed some. No really, I have! Oh sure, I'm still a little neurotic about somethings, but I don't freak out if things don't go the way I have them listed to happen. And that's huge. I sometimes wonder if I've gone way the other direction and have fallen into apathy, but I'm working on balance.

3. I'm proud of the things I have taught myself to do--the knitting, the quilting, the cooking. I've taken classes along the way, but I've done a lot of it on my own. I'm not very good at learning from my mistakes--if I'm not good at it immediately, I usually drop it--but with this stuff, I keep trying different things and repeating until I get it right.

4. I'm proud of where I came from. My mother worked hard to make a stable home for us in a very unstable time. My (paternal) grandmother did the same in her day. My (maternal) great-grandmother was the bravest of us all. I come from pretty good stock.

5. I'm proud of Al and his military brethren. I've had many people ask me how I would survive if he went to war and wouldn't I worry about him all the time. Well, of course I would worry, but I wouldn't be afraid because I see how hard they train, how much they care, and how good they are.

6. I'm proud that I'm part of a creative family. Mom has always been a writer, so when she started her blog, I wasn't surprised by how good it was. I've always known that Jay was hilarious and intelligent, and now others get to see that, too.

So, there we are. That wasn't so bad after all. I'm not going to tag anyone, but try it, you might like it!

And your Cosette fix:

We got home and caught her sleeping on her bed upstairs in the bedreoom:



Oops! She saw us!



Note: I didn't drink wine in the morning then write and post this. I tried to post last night but blogger wouldn't let me download the photos. Grrrr.

While I Was Away

I thought I'd take a break from the Virginia stuff to let you in on what I was doing all those months I wasn't blogging.

I attended WhiskyFest in Chicago. I really came into my own regarding the water of life. We had a wonderful time with a group from the Dundee Dell.



This is George Grant from Glenfarclas. We love Glenfarclas.




Worked with other women in my quilt group to make a Nebraska quilt for the coordinator of the group who is moving. The center pinwheel blades are in the shape of the state of Nebraska. We made it with scraps from other quilts we made as a group, plus from our stash. I love this quilt and am thinking of making one of my own.




Bought a new car--a '93 Honda Element. It was in excellent condition and had less than 60,ooo miles. I love this car.






Had a birthday.




Worked with the women in the quilt group to make a quilt for Habitat for Humanity.




Cleaned a lot of mud off the dog




Knitted a bag holder--one of those that you pull bags from the bottom.




Knitted a Log Cabin baby blanket for my new cousin.




I'm knitting while here in Virginia, too, and will get some pictures up later. I've made a Christmas stocking and am making a scarf for Al (black, plain, simple black so he can wear it with his uniform) and a market bag. I'm trying to decide between the stockings or market bags for Christmas gifts.

I also read a lot during my break, mostly cozies. I'm still reading the Hamish MacBeth mysteries by MC Beaton and I read a few of the China Bayles mysteries by Susan Wittig Albert, but I kind of lost interest in those. While I'm here in the condo, I'm still reading the cozies. Funny that I used to tease my mother about reading those because they are all the same, but it's all I have patience for right now, and they are pretty enjoyable. But there are a lot of great used bookstores here, and I think I'll get some other books.

Anyone got any suggestions? What are you reading?

Thanks Again

Hello.

Thanks again everyone. Your comments meant so much.

I know I haven't been around much, but I just haven't had the energy. The depression has eased up, but it always leaves me tired and just kind apathetic. I'm slowly catching up on my blog reading. Although I've been reading, I haven't been commenting much. Just lurking I guess. It's like writer's block--I just can't think of anything to say. That's also why there haven't been any new posts.

The days have pretty much been filled with walking and playing with Cosette and mopping the floors after her muddy paw prints. Did you know Pledge makes an all floor surface cleaner that you just squirt on and mop up with a damp mop? It makes cleaning the floors too damn easy, so now I feel like I have to do it more often. But on the pro side, Cosette has gotten very good at stopping as soon as she walks in and letting me dry her off. She even picks up her paws for me. Whatta dog.

At the risk of turning this into a dog adoration blog, I just have to show you this picture. As I was laying on the couch, Cosette decided to join me by propping herself up in the crook of my legs. Just look how comfortable she looks.


She eventually slid down and curled up against my legs and we both went to sleep.

Partly Cloudy

When I started this blog, I planned to write deep and philosophical thoughts, to find that honest part of me that wrote without thinking of the consequences. But then I realized that people might actually be reading it and I didn’t want to bum everyone out, or worse bore anyone. So, the self-censoring started and the majority of light-hearted topics.

But I’m tired people, and I need to talk some stuff out before I explode.

These bouts of depression every other week are really frustrating and they are getting worse. The demons came out again last week and were flying all over the place. I couldn’t catch them to put them away, back in that little dark place of my brain. Instead, all I wanted to do was go down to a dark corner of the basement, wrap up in a blanket and watch Law and Order reruns.

In these times, every disappointing or upsetting thing that has ever happened in my life flickers on a loop, so I’m forced to relive those moments over and over again. Sometimes, I think of a time that I hurt someone and I think about what a horrible person I am and of all the things I should have done differently. Then there are the times that I think about when I was hurt and what a loser I am that I didn’t say something or do something about it. Mixed in are the old fashioned feelings of uselessness and sadness and being an utter failure.

Some how I pull it together enough to be standing upright by the time Al gets home and actually cook some dinner (or order pizza, depending on how bad the day had been). But some days, like this last Monday, was a crying day, and he knew that it was a bad day for me. The first clue was me sitting in the middle of the couch with a Kleenex in my hand and tears streaming down my face.


“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.”

He’s used to this answer, so he just sits with me. I know he wants to help but just doesn’t know what to do, and I have no idea what to tell him. There’s not much he can do. The fact that he’s still here, living through this with me, is the best thing he can do.

I can explain it away, however. I’ve been having bouts like this for the last 5 or 6 years to varying degrees of intensity. And I honestly think that about that time, I also went through a personality change and pulled away from everything and everyone. I’m not sure family members or friends would admit that out loud, but I think they would agree. I thought it was because of hormones and that I wasn’t getting enough exercise.

Then I was diagnosed with MS, and a lot of things started to fall into place. When I went in for my first visit with the MS Nurse Practioner, I was looking at a poster about lesions and their locations. I realized and showed Al how one of the lesions looked like mine and was in the exact place that my largest one was. The little explanatory bubble said something about how that area affected vocabulary, some other things I don’t remember, and personality. Personality? Damn. I’m not crazy and it’s not just in my head. Well, it is my head, it’s a dead spot in my head, but there’s a reason for what I had been going through.

Then, joy of joys, the medication causes depression. I think that is what I’m dealing with most of the time, since the worst days are Monday after my shot on Sunday night. There are those weeks when it lasts three or more days, then there are the weeks when I’m fine by Tuesday. The pattern is every other week. Coincidentally (or maybe not) it’s the week I take my shot in my left leg, the one that is more affected by the MS. Weird, huh?

Hormones could have something to do with it because as I’m reminded constantly, I am “into my 40s.” That age seems to be some kind of friggin’ threshold and now everything I feel is because my hormones are changing. It’s very easy to throw away emotions with the excuse that your just hormonal. Doesn’t help me, but it makes it easier for others to explain it away.

As a result of my weakness, the demons take over. I take Wellbutrin and it evens things out a bit, but I can’t help but wonder if it is no longer as affective. The MS message boards recommend therapy, but the doctors others recommend don’t take my insurance and my insurance just gives me a list of doctors in my area. I just don’t have the energy to start seeing these people until I find one I think I can talk to.

So I talk to you, dear readers! You lucky people. I wish I could say I feel better, but there’s a really good chance I will end up deleting this post. But it’s out there. Maybe talking out loud and releasing those demons is better than putting them back in.

25 Years Later.

Peggy over at Day to Day Life of a Very Lazy Gardner did this meme and politely tagged me if I wanted to do it. I haven't done a meme in a long time, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

The idea is to list five things in your life now that you would have never thought would be in your life when you were 25.

1. Health Issues. I never thought I’d deal with the health issues at such a young age. Al had testicular cancer when we were in our late 20s, and I was diagnosed with MS in my late 30s. Weird. On the other hand, testicular cancer is curable and we caught my MS early. And although illness can be a real strain on a couple, it has only brought Al and me closer.

2. Marriage. Not only am I still married but I’ve been married for almost 19 years! I really didn’t expect to marry. Never planned it, never wanted to. I wanted to travel, work and have fun. I didn’t realize I could do that and be married at the same time. Not that we haven’t had some rough spots, but we’ve hung in there. We’re heading into another phase of our life together with thoughts of retiring from the military. Should be interesting to see where we go from here. (You may be surprised that I’m not saying the usual mushy stuff about Al. You’ll just have to be surprised because I’m not very good at the mushy stuff. I took one of those emotion IQ tests and you wouldn’t believe how low I scored!)

3. On stage. For a few years, I did a lot of community theater. I played Dolly in Threepenny Opera, I was Sylvia in the female version of The Odd Couple, I was Hattie in Kiss Me Kate, and I did a lot of acting classes where I got to do a little bit of everything from Shakespeare to improv. It was an exciting and fun time, and every time I walked on stage, I was shocked that I was actually doing this. I’m very shy, very introverted, but I was determined to come out of my shell and try it since I have always loved the theater. I had a good time, but I don’t miss it now. I did come out of my shell some, but I never really overcame a sense of not belonging there nor could I really let myself go enough to really do well. Upside though, I don’t get nervous if I have to give a presentation or speak in front of people.

4. Travel. I can’t believe the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen. I’ve always wanted to travel. When I finally got overseas, I wondered what the hell took me so long? We went to Scotland and England in 2001 and I’ve been hooked ever since. We met up with another couple for a week, but we were pretty much on our own and it was just so gratifying. Then I went with my mom and some friends and I did some things on my own and it was enlightening. I grew up a lot in those 2 weeks and re-connected with that independent woman who could take care of herself. We’ve since returned to Scotland (and will go back again and again) and we went to Italy. Italy! Oh my God I was in Italy! It’s just unbelievable. (Note: Sometime in the early 90s (I think ’93), we went to Germany to spend Christmas with friends who were stationed there. For some reason, I never think to include that in my travels. I don’t remember that trip except for some of the highlights, but I do remember feeling uncomfortable and not knowing what was going on at any time. I was just led by the hand until I came home.)

5. Techie. Well, not really a techie but I know a whole lot more and utilize computers a lot more than I ever have. Al and I sit in the living room, each with our wireless laptops, downloading photos for a DVD slideshow or downloading songs onto our iPods. I even watched Steve Jobs introduce all the upgrades to the iPhone, iTunes movie rental, and the new Macbook Air. And upon watching Jobs take that new computer out of a manila envelope, I turned to Al and said, “I want that!” It's amazing! Go over and take a look at it. I also told him that I want an iPod Touch. I don’t need the iPhone because I hate phones, but I like the iPod Touch. This isn’t like me, but Al was thrilled because he is a techie. I still can’t hook up the DVD player, but I’m great at Google.

Need an idea for a post, why not give this a try.

That's me for the week, I think. Have a great weekend!

Two Wheels Too Many

It’s been all motorcycles all the time around here lately.

Since the weather has been comparably nice the last few weeks, Al has been going for a ride most Saturdays while he still can. Of course, he could ride if it’s cold, too, because he’s plugged in. Literally. He plugs in his heated jacket and heated gloves and he’s nice and toasty. Now if he could just get some heated socks, he’d really be happy.

He really loves riding, and it really scares the crap out of me. I told him that he’s lucky that I don’t get in the car and follow him wherever he goes, just to make sure he’s OK. He rides as safely as he can and doesn’t do anything stupid, but he’s not the problem—it’s the other drivers doing something stupid that I worry about. He wants me to go to all these rider parties, and I do go to some, but every time I go the conversation is all about how this guy walked away from this horrible accident and this guy shouldn’t have walked away but he did, and this guy who knows someone who didn’t walk away, and this guy who doesn’t remember his accident but he’s been told how awful it was. This isn’t helping people! I just don’t get the desire for this particular hobby.

But, he loves it, and I get that.

So, for Christmas I got him Long Way Down, which is Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman’s motorcycle ride from John O’Groats Scotland to Capetown South Africa. A few years ago, the did Long Way Round where they started in England and went around the world to New York. We loved that series, so I knew he’d like this one, too.

And let me tell you, you get some interesting hits on Google if you type in “long way down.” Luckily the first thing that came up was the official website. I also went to amazon.co.uk to compare prices (these were the only two places I could get the DVD). I decided to order from Amazon because the Christmas before I bought Race to Dakar (when Charlie Boorman competed in Dakar) from the official website and it took quite awhile, cost quite a bit, and I had to pick it up at the post office, which is not an easy thing here. So, I ordered the book and the DVD from Amazon.

Before you techies ask, no I didn’t even think about the fact that it might be in a format that our DVD player couldn’t read. It was in PAL format instead of NTSC like this country uses. Talk about your dumb luck, our DVD player must be new enough because we didn’t have any trouble.

Anyway, the series was great and I loved watching this adventure. There’s a lot pre-planning, but they were a little more prepared for it this time around. But there were more dangerous border crossings and in several places they had to have armed escorts.

The only problem was that McGregor’s wife wanted to join them for part of it, so she learned to ride, met them at a relatively safe area, and rode a couple of days with them. I wish she hadn’t of done that because it only gives Al ideas.

Oh, and we found out that while we were in Florence, the were in Sienna. There was a reenactment of an historic race, the Mile Miglia, while we were in Florence and we watched a lot of beautiful old cars drive through. When we were watching Long Way Down, the guys stopped in Sienna for lunch and were pleasantly surprised to see the Mile Miglia going through the town. I was this close to Ewan McGregor!

After watching the guys riding adventure through Africa, you can understand our disappointment that the Dakar was cancelled this year. I still can’t believe it. First time in 30 years that the Dakar rally has been cancelled. They had reports of terrorists linked to al Qaeda threatening drivers coming through Mauritania. Unbelievable. The course has been changed before, but they never cancelled the whole race. They were all ready to go, too. Everyone was in Lisbon, primed and ready, then this.

So basically, I don’t want to be on a motorcycle myself, but I love watching other people on motorcycles. I don’t want an adventure of riding through terrorist-laden countries, but I want to watch other people do it. And I don’t want to risk my neck by driving across the dunes of a desert, but I want to watch other people do it. I’m the ultimate armchair traveler.

However, we watched a show today where a couple of guys rode their motorcycles around Scotland. I might learn and ride for that trip. See, I just need the proper enticement.

I was just thinking . . .

Just a few things going through my head and stopping me from concentrating on more productive things.


Looks like it’s official that the Golden Globes will not be televised. HFPA president Jorge Camara said, "We are all very disappointed that our traditional awards ceremony will not take place this year and that millions of viewers worldwide will be deprived of seeing many of their favorite stars celebrating 2007's outstanding achievements in motion pictures and television.”

Yeah, because those deprived viewers will never get another chance to see a celebrity. Except maybe on the People’s Choice Awards or The Screen Actor’s Guild Awards or The Critic’s Choice Awards or The Oscars or The Emmys or the MTV Movie Awards or an AFI tribute every other month. . . How will we ever survive?

Producers and media types are just giddy at the idea that support for the writers is going to wane because shows like Grey’s Anatomy will be going into reruns. Horrors!

What do you think? Is it really such a hardship on your life? I think the main hardship for me is that now there is pretty much nothing but reality TV on, but that was already happening. We don’t watch a lot of network TV anyway, so it’s not affecting us a whole lot. The worse affect is on other workers. Producers aren’t taking a hit in their salaries, but other staff are being laid off.

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BBC America used to be such a great network. It’s the only reason we have digital cable because I used to watch it all the time. But not any more. Guess what they are so excited about for the new season. They’re showing reruns of Dancing with the Stars! Our Dancing with the Stars! WTF? Used to be a lot of great mysteries and DIY shows on that network, but no more. What’s the world coming to?

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I made Butternut Squash Risotto for dinner last night, and it was very yummy. It was the fist time I’ve made risotto. I had been afraid to try because the chefs on TV always talked about how you had to be careful and stay with it and all that. But it was really pretty easy, and fun. I like it when I’m cooking and I get lost in what I’m doing—it’s a great escape. BTW, I made Ina Garten’s recipe, but I added about a tablespoon of chopped sage and some nutmeg.

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This time last year I wasn’t feeling that great and didn’t know what was going on until it bloomed into a full MS flair up. Then there was the horrible, horrible experience with the steroid treatment. I’m being more careful this year because I don’t want to go through that again. It helps that it’s not as cold and I don’t have to spend an hour and half shoveling snow since Al bought the mother of all snow blowers.

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Cosette has caught onto the routine around here and has decided she likes it. She whines at me if I don’t move fast enough in the morning to get going on our walk. She sits and stares at me, then does this little shuffle, and then sighs/whines. She also does that when she wants a treat or to play. She has me trained pretty well.



Cosette plays hard with her stuffed duck, then crashes in the the sunbeam.

Lost and Lost

Remember that optimistic woman who was here last week? The one looking forward to 2008? Well, she’s disappeared, and I can’t find her anywhere.

She didn’t even give me a head’s up. Just pfffft—gone. And she left this moody, crying, wimpy woman in her place. That’s just rude.

Some weeks are just worse than others. As the medication wears off, I feel better. So, it’s Wednesday. I should be feeling better as the day goes on, then a little better each day. Until Sunday, when I take my shot, and it starts all over again. I thought about changing medications, but after reading the MS boards, I realized that this is common and it’s not much better with the other medications. And since I know that this one is working, I think I’ll just hang in there.

Unfortunately, that means the loved ones have to hang in there, too. It seems unfair to keep asking those around me to keep putting up with these swings. But that’s what you do, right? You hang in there, get through the rough spots, enjoy the high spots, and live through everything in between.

Hmm, how many more clichés can I state before I want to puke? There’s always a silver lining? Things will get better, they always do? It could be worse?

OK, that’s enough of that. More than enough. Enough is enough! Eight is enough! Wait, let’s not carried away here. When I start channeling 70s TV shows, I know I’ve got nothing left to say.

I think I’ll go surf some expensive yarn shops online. Unlike the huge bag of peanut butter M&Ms, that won’t add pounds to my thighs, just thin out my wallet. I can’t decide which is the lesser evil.

So, If Al Died Today . . .

One of the scarier aspects of getting older and having to (heaven forbid) be an adult is dealing with life insurance. We started early on this path, so it's not like we are starting from scratch, but we are re-evaluating, in light of the possibility of Al's retiring from the AF and my MS diagnosis. Come to find out, my MS is not the hurdle we thought it would be. But that wasn't the weird part.

The financial advisor who has been helping us asked me, "If Al died today, what would you need? Beyond all the emotional needs and the time to recover, what will you need to go on, to take care of you?"

Besides paying off the house, I had no idea. That's what you do, right? You insure enough to pay for funeral expenses and paying off the house and paying off bills. And I really don't want to talk about this right now. I know, I know we need to talk about it, but give me a minute to not feel weird about it.

So, after a few moments of babbling "I don't know" and "I'm not sure" and other such things, he gave me a break and helped me out with some questions.

"How much of his pay will you need and for how long?"

All of it for as long as I can get it. After all, I'm going to have the same bills for awhile, especially if I keep the house. And if I sell it, then there's a whole new set of bills that will come with that.

"Most spouses want to ensure they have income for a certain number of years--1 to 5 maybe."

Al said, "She'll probably just need a year."

Thanks for your confidence in me, honey, but I think it will take longer than that. It's not like I can go out and get a job making even a third of what you make. I can't even be a decent office assistant because I'm so far behind in the computer world. I'm amazed I can create a Word document.

"Five years," I said. "I don't know what job I would get or when, so five years."

"And what would you like to do?" he asked. After an appropriate time of no response he again helped me along, "will you want to go back to school or travel . . ."

"I'd like to move to Scotland and open a B&B," I said with a chuckle.

He shrugged his shoulders and opened his hands as if to say, "Well, would you?"

Oh no way! This guy's not serious. I can't talk about something as extravagant as moving to another country when my husband is gone when he's sitting right here. But maybe I could ease into another idea.

"Maybe not that, but I would like to have my own business. Maybe open a shop or buy into a franchise. Something that would be mine, something that will make enough money for me to live on for a long time."

"About $100,000 for that?" he asked, and I just nodded.

Well, Al's looking at me like I've lost my mind. He's not quite sure what to think and I'm feeling pretty guilty about how well I'm making out here.

"And Al, you've done a good job setting up investments for retirement. Many spouses will put aside moneys to be put into those accounts, just to give a head start for their spouses who will be taking them over. Is that something you would want to do?"

Like he's going to say no. You're not going to say no, are you, Al?

So, there's an another addition to the ol' total. Amazing. And then something occurs to me.

"When my dad passed away, I remember that my step-mother had to buy a car that would get around in all kinds of weather because he wouldn't be able to drive her. So, I'd like to be able to get another car if I needed to--something newer because all of our cars have around 140,000 miles on them."

Well, honestly, this is something I had thought about. If I didn't have Al I would be in a lot of trouble because I hate dealing with cars. He's the one who keeps them up and calms my nerves about driving, so if he wasn't here, I would need something newer and with low maintenance needs.

So there we go. I get to pay off my house, live off Al's salary for 5 years, open my own business, keep my retirement accounts and get a new car. How are you feelin' Al? Good? Damn.

Then it was his turn. We live on Al's salary, so he'll actually be better off without me drawing on it. He would keep his job and probably move into a smaller place, but it would be nice to pay off the house. Maybe a car? Maybe a trip? Basically, I'm worth so little as far as insurance is concerned, we have actually over-insured me.

That's just sad. When you a put a monetary value on me, I'm worth very little. So, I'll just have to make up for it with my "you can't live without me" abilities.

On the ride home, Al was pretty quiet.

"That was pretty weird, wasn't it? I felt kind of guilty talking about what I'd do if you were gone," I said.

He just nodded. "That's the first time I've heard a franchise mentioned. I knew you would like your own shop or business, but I didn't know about a franchise."

Truth is, I just thought of it right then. It seemed like an easy way to open your own business--something already established and successful, with a proven business plan. I'm all for easiest and fastest.

It was a really quiet ride home after that.

So, on we go to the next step. We'll be comparing some policies, prices, and our advisor will patiently try to explain it to my muddled brain. I'll be trying really hard not to glaze over. Responsible adults don't glaze over! They listen and make intelligent decisions. They don't look at their husbands, hoping they'll just tell them what would be best. But that's what I want to do.

Until the next appointment, I'll just take Scarlette's advice and "think about it tomorrow." But I think I'll google popular franchises. Just for fun.

Looking Forward

Always suffering from a little post-holiday depression, I'm usually pretty ambivalent this time of year. I know that I won't keep my resolutions, so I don't make any. It seems to take forever to put all the decorations away, and I'm tired of cooking, sweets and alcohol, so I just want to have a pizza and a Coke every night.

But this year is different. I feel optimistic and ready for the new year to get going. I actually have some resolutions, simple and attainable ones (I hope), but resolutions none the less. First and foremost, I want to learn stuff this year. I feel stagnant and bored. I want to read more, and maybe take a class at the community college--something challenging but fun. (I've already started the reading resolution with The Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill. It's a great ghost story that I'm having trouble putting down.) I also want to learn how to knit socks (guess what everyone will be getting for Christmas). And I'm going to knit my first sweater, which I promise not to inflict on anyone because I'm guessing it will be pretty hideous. But I'm signing up for a class so that I can struggle with others.

Speaking of others, I'm going to try not to be such a loner. I do a lot of things by myself, and sometimes that's OK, but I don't think it's always good for me. So, when someone calls and asks if I want to do something, I'm going to say yes instead of saying no and giving some lame excuse. I don't mean I'm going to chair any committees, just simple stuff like going to the movies or going to lunch.

I also want to make some small trips, weekend trips around the area, and a trip back home. My grandmother's 90th birthday is this year, and that's a party I do not want to miss. I'd also like to go on another weekend knitting retreat and learn a new technique, buy some unique yarn, and just sit around with others and knit and talk. I'd also like to go and explore at least one place that we would be interested in retiring to, if we could actually agree on where that might be.

I'm going to be more active this year. Not just the gym, which I will be hitting bright and early on Wednesday morning, but I want to get outside more. I want to do some hiking and take the dog out to the state parks and walk the trails, and I'd like to go camping.

One last resolution and probably the hardest one: I want to go out of my comfort zone. For me, that means working on that novel I started with NaNoWriMo and those short stories that are sitting in a dusty folder in my computer or as notes in my writing journal. I want to submit at least one thing for possible publication. I don't even care if it's accepted, just sending it out is a major accomplishment. OK, so I care a little, but actually sending something out is HUGE. I'm also going to do some housecleaning, like finishing up the stories about the trip to Scotland on my travel blog and adding the links to the Italy and South Dakota write-ups. And my friend R and I have talked about setting up a knitting blog, so that I won't bore you guys with the intricacies and joy of mastering the heel turn of a sock.

I'm not sure where that leaves this blog. I want to continue with the WWC, always a blast, but I'm not sure how much I'll be posting. This is a great little procrastination tool. But I've tried to take a break before and just got antsy to get back to it, so I think I'll just take it as it comes. Did I mention I'm also going to try not to stress out about stuff this year, too. But I say that every year.

So, what are you're big plans for 2008? Whatever they are, I hope they result in a happy and healthy new year.

A Little Catching Up

Things have settled down a little here. The mall is still closed, and many churches, including ours, are holding prayer vigils. It's been very odd to live in a town where this kind of thing has happened, but I think things will slowly return to some semblance of normal because that's all we can do.

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The house is decorated and the ingredients for fudge and cookies have been bought and are ready to be baked. Most presents have been bought and most knitting projects have been completed and are ready to ship to their new homes. We'll be staying here for Christmas and enjoying a quiet and peaceful Christmas. But of course, if anyone wants to come over, the door is always open! Just be prepared to to be licked to death by a fuzzy white dog.

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I've added a few more blogs to my list of daily reads.

• R.E.H. at Ramblings of a Madman has been blogging for a mere couple of months and man is he good! His writing is honest, raw, and funny.

• Macoosh at A Chuisle Mo Chroi . . . always has something interesting to say. She's really busy with a new job right now, but keep checking in with her. She lived in Ireland for a while, which is reason enough for me to be in awe. I'd love to go to Ireland, especially now as I listen to Celtic Women singing "Oh Holy Night." But I digress.

• Karen at Smiling Through It All is another wonderful writer who has already done and experienced so much in her young life, that she makes me wonder where all the time has gone. There's always something interesting going on over there.

So, go check them out!

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Now I'm listening to Diana Krall singing "Jingle Bells." I love my iPod. I could turn the TV to "Sounds of the Season" which isn't too bad, really. Lots of standards and great singers. We turn that on every time we leave so that Cosette will have something to listen to. Al would prefer the classic rock station.

I've been taking it easy this week, sort of. Not only because we had 5 inches of snow and the roads were horrible, but also because I seem to have done something to my back. I know I fell on the ice Saturday, but could there be a delay before I felt it because it wasn't until Monday that my lower back started hurting. Anyway, it's slowly getting better, but I think it acted as a trigger for the MS because I'm having some trouble with my the left side of my body being a little weak. Nothing so bad that I can't keep going, but enough that I have to take breaks a lot throughout the day. I hate that. Put greenery and cranberry garland on the fireplace mantle, then sit down. Put a load of laundry in the washer and take the dry stuff upstairs. Then sit down while I fold. And why just sit when I can play tug-the-duck with the dog. Luckily, pretty much any activity with a young dog is followed by a nap. I told Al that if I'm still feeling this bad by Monday, I'll make an appointment with a doctor.

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Now I'm listening to Loreena McKennitt singing "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen."

Saturday night I'm going to see Mandy Patinkin sing at the Performing Arts Center. I'm very excited and am hoping the next snow storm holds off long enough for me to get the there and get home. I took pity on Al and told him he didn't have to go with me. He was a good sport and went with me when Mr. Patinkin came to San Antonio. That was where we discovered that he is the most amazing singer and actor, but he's also really odd. Not bad, but there was some audience participation that was a little different. Anyone who wanted to could come up on stage and at a certain part in a song, they could all run up and touch him wherever they wanted. OooooKaaaaayyyy. I just wanna hear ya sing, dude. Actually, that's not true. If Al hadn't been there, I might have participated. I've loved Many Patinkin since I listened to the Evita cast recording in 1978.

Anyway, Al said that if the roads are bad, he'd take me and come pick me up. Is he the greatest or what?

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Gotta go. "Snowfall" by Manhattan Transfer is playing and I just have to stop and listen to it. I just can't help imaging snow softly falling outside, the Christmas tree lit, and Al and me slow dancing to this song in front of a roaring fire. *Sigh* Who says I'm not a romantic?

It's Beginning to Look A lot Like

Winter!

Ice and snow hit us this weekend. I think we had about a quarter inch of ice Saturday morning. But that didn't stop Al from going to the BMW Motorcycle Open House. Luckily, it started to melt as the morning went on. However, it did not start melting on the driveway. How does Kell know this, you might ask.

Well, I had grand plans of going to the Open House with him. I was going to be supportive, but I put my knitting and book in a bag, just in case my support started to wear thin and I needed something else to do. My hubby had already put the truck in 4-wheel drive, so while he pulled out of the garage, I decided to run back in and grab a hat because the sleet had now turned to rain. I was in a hurry and Al was waiting. I took one hurried step onto the drive way and Whoosh, Spalt! Al said, "One minute I saw you in front of the truck, and the next minute you were gone."

I have a small bruise on my knee and a huge bruise on my ego. Luckily, I fell mostly on my hip and rear, where I have ample padding.

In other news, thank all of you for your encouragement during NaNoWriMo. I didn't tell anyone except you guys that I was doing that. There's an anonymity with the blogshere that makes it easy to tell you guys something that I'm not telling the people who are around me every day. Honestly, I'm surprised I even told you guys. I'm pretty introverted when it comes to writing. It's one of those things that I know I could use moral support and objective opinions about, but I'm just shy about sharing it. What if the overall opinion is that it's really awful and all the joy I get out of writing becomes crushed under self-doubt and the loss of self-confidence due to feelings of failure?

Did I mention I'm a little melodramatic?

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to work on what I started once I pay bills, balance the checkbook, decorate for Christmas, bake some Christmas cookies, do some shopping, and mail gifts. If I can find a passage that I'm not too embarrassed for you to read, I'll post it.

WWC tomorrow! I'll be joining in the fun, and there just might be another picture or two of Cosette.

Gotta Take Care of Some Things

I have to do this every now and then. Once again, I am swamped with too many things to do and not enough time in the day to do them. I don't know how I ever got anything done when I was working full time. So, I'm not going to be around for awhile.

I'll still be checking in on your blogs, but trying to write 50,000 words in a month is cutting into my post writing. Plus, I have a little project going that I can't tell you about yet. I will, as soon as I can, but it's still in the works.

Plus, I've been putting off the vacuuming and I really need to do that. I tried putting it off so that Al would do it, but he didn't take the bait.

So, I'll be lurking around the edges, peeking in and dropping in every now and then.

NaNoWriMo count: 10,850

Halloween Hangover

Another Halloween is but a memory. A memory and a tummy ache from way too many Smarties. Those little powdery, sugary candy disks are just irresistible--it's the only time of year I get them. I tried to out-psyche myself and bought some dark chocolate M&Ms so that I wouldn't steal from the treat bowl, but I'm weak.

We had lots of trick-or-treaters this year, many more than last year. I actually ran out of candy. I had to save one more package of Smarties before they were all gone. The youngest was about 3 or 4, I'd guess. I'm not very good at guessing, but he looked about the same age as my friend's 3 year old, so I'm going with that. He was a dinosaur and having a blast. That's such a cute age. They get more excited with each house they go to when the realize what is going on. He jumped off my front porch and marched down the sidewalk saying, "Trick or Treat!"

We had the usual ages of 5 to 10, and they were everything from princesses to witches to super heros to Thomas the Tank Engine. But what was really cool were their bags! No pillow cases for these guys--their bags matched their costumes. That must have cost a pretty penny. And some of the bags were these cool quilted figures, so you put the candy in a witch's head or something like that. I was most impressed.

One of these little beggars came as the Grim Reaper. In the lowest voice he could muster he said, "Trick or Treat." I had a flashback to the Halloween party my folks had when I was a little kid, when someone came as the Grim Reaper. It scared the pee out of me--almost literally. That costume has given me the shivers ever since, even when it's on a 10-year-old.

Of course, we got the older kids, too. They were the ones with the pillow cases. We had a group of 12 to 13 year olds. I love that age. This is probably their last big night at costumes and trick-or-treating for the fun of Halloween. Next year, they'll be too cool, so they'll just walk around in packs, wearing all black, and wanting candy even though they aren't wearing costumes. We had a group like that come to the door, too. I told them they were my scariest group yet.

In that group of 13-year-olds, one of them was wearing a King from Burger King mask and I told him that was really scary. He pulled his mask up and said, "Really?" He seemed quite pleased. I said, "Yeah. Haven't you seen those commercials? They're disturbing." Well, they do scare me. They are so disturbing, I couldn't even find one on YouTube to show you what I mean. But you can go here to get an idea.

By 8:30, we blew the candles out of the jack-o-lanterns and turned out the lights. It's always a little sad for me. I love seeing all the kids in their costumes and hearing them say thank you and even a "Happy Halloween" every now and then. Of course, I'm also worried that now it is dark around my house and those black-clad teenagers that I was a smart-ass to might come back and smash my pumpkins.

Not only is today the end of Halloween, it is the beginning of November and National Novel Writing Month, which I did sign up for. I have a folder on my desktop ready for my 50,000 words, I have a place in the house that I think will be ideal for writing, I have the story in mind, and I have a pot of coffee brewing. I've thought about it a lot and I've come to one conclusion.

I am out of my fricken' mind.

But I'm going to try it anyway.

Is It Friday Already?

Where did this week go? One minute I’m posting the word challenge photos, the next it’s Friday and I haven’t posted a damn thing. October is always busy, but this October seems to be overwhelmingly so. I could use a couple of more hours each day.

In less than a week, I’ve learned how to do needle turn appliqué, finished a prayer shawl and started another one, packaged up 6 shawls from other members of the group for giving out, had an MS check up where we decided to put me on yet another medication, met with a financial advisor, made a quick trip to the grocery store and forgot stuff so I’ll have to go again, picked up a sack load of food from the farmer’s co-op, and I still have a couple of more things to do.

But I got to mark a lot of stuff off my To Do list and that felt pretty good.

The meeting with the financial advisor wore me out., going through all our paperwork to give him an accurate picture of where we are was exhausting. We decided that since Al may retire from the AF in a few years, we might want to go over what we’ve done so far and see what else we should be doing. It’s still pretty early in this process, and it takes all my brain cells to follow what this man is saying. I’m the stereotypical girl/wife who glazes over with talk of investment plans. Al just laughs at me because I can’t seem to understand the difference between the IRAs and the mutual funds. To me they’re just a place we put money that we can use later—like a savings account with better interest.

This meeting was a little upsetting, though, when talk turned to long term health care and life insurance. It seems that my diagnosis of mild MS won’t be much of a hindrance if I want more life insurance, but it’s going to be difficult to impossible to get long term health care insurance. We had an opportunity years ago to get signed up through the AF, but we didn’t do it. You just don’t think about things like the costs of disability when you’re in your mid-30s.

And part of me still feels I’m too young to be worrying about and talking about retirement. I guess I’m just not good at long-term planning. I’m a great daydreamer of what I’d like, but I’m not very good at the actual planning and execution of that plan. Plus, Al and I need to improve our conversation skills so that we can talk about what we want. Al seems to respond to whatever is happening at the moment; for example, we’ve been doing repairs to the house and there always seems to be something else to do, so Al doesn’t want to own a house anymore. He likes the idea of a condo or townhouse or something. This was quite a shock to me when he blurted it out over a pint at the pub, considering that for the last few years I’ve talked about having a small house and some land out in the country. Then there’s the “what to do after the AF issue.” Al takes on his Eeyore voice and says “well, I’ll have to work.” But I’ve talked about how I thought we should teach and take the summers to go to Scotland, or maybe I’ll want to open my own shop or a small coffee shop and he could work for me. Or I could get a dream job and he could follow me around for a while. That would be brilliant!

Luckily, we seem to balance out. If he got out of the AF, I’m the one who says, “We can go anywhere!” He’s the one who says, “I can easily move into a contract job and we’d have pretty much the same security we have now.” And I think, “then we can vacation any where!” Maybe not anywhere, but we could make a trip every now and then to my beloved Highlands and his beloved whisky distilleries.

Until then, there’s still laundry to do, groceries to buy, meals to cook, errands to run, and bills to pay. You know, that regular life stuff that never goes away. Maybe I should add housekeeper, cook, and personal assistant to my dream list?

Have a great weekend, y’all.

Whew!

I'll tell ya, September and October fill up so fast with things to do. That's one of the reasons I love this time of year. There is always a craft fair or a festival or a fall bazaar or something going on, and I like to go to all of them.

Now if the temperatures would just drop back down to normal for this time of year, everything would be hunky-dorry.

We've opened a Teen Center at our church. There was no place for teenagers to go after school on this side of town, and there is a high school across the street from us, so last year the congregation raised enough funds to redo the youth lounge, the gym, plus some repairs to the church itself. The first week we had 10 kids show up. The second week we had 43, then last week we had 60! That's a lot of teenagers. I volunteer on Wednesday afternoons, originally to tutor English, but I'm really more of a "stand there and look like an adult" chaperone. It's early in the school year, so the kids don't have a lot of homework, but as the year goes on, they'll have to spend an hour studying before they can play ball in the gym or games or whatever. I don't mind telling you I'm a bit intimidated. I don't hang around kids all that often, let along 50 of them with raging hormones. But I think it's important to have it, so I'll hang in there.

I've also started a Prayer Shawl Ministry at our church. We have lots of knitters and crocheters, so we're making shawls for people who need a little warmth and comforting. I said I would never chair a committee again, but here I am. I didn't even realize I was doing it. My hand went up without my even knowing it. But it's been easy so far.

So, I’m in a knitting frenzy, which make me very happy. In addition to the shawls, I'm making a poncho for me, an afghan for Al’s mom, hats for Al’s family, squares for the coolest scarf ever, fingerless arm warmer thingies, and if I can, I’d like to make a couple of other gifts for Christmas. But my fingers can move only so fast.

I was at Target for some grocery shopping because it is one of 2 stores that carry the granola, the only granola, Al likes. I started putting my stuff on the conveyer belt to check out and noticed that the young woman in front of me was only getting Southern Comfort and Cheez-Its. Aaaahhh, the days when all I needed at the store was a bottle of whisky and a snack. Now it’s yogurt, granola, and bags of salad that I really hope aren’t tainted with E. Coli.

We spent Saturday afternoon and evening hanging out with some friends at their campsite in Iowa. It was such a wonderful way to spend the day, just hanging out with friends, drinking a beer, grilling some steaks, watching the sun set over the lake, laughing at the kids playing games, and melting marshmallows over the fire for s'mores. Mmmmmmmmm s'mores. I could get used to that.

Before the camping, I went to a craft fair, a huge craft fair. One of the first booths I saw was a nice older couple selling breads and cookies for $5 and I thought, "You now, I really should support them." So I bought some challah or egg bread and used it to make French Toast. It was soooooo good. I grated a little nutmeg and dropped a little vanilla into the egg mixture then cooked the slices in butter. So decadent and so yummy. That's a good start to the day.
And somewhere in the midst of all of this I'm finding time to read. Yes, several of them have been about knitting, but that counts! I also read Death of a Village by MC Beaton, my favorite Hamish MacBeth mysteries and right now I'm listening to Don't Know Much About the Bible because, we'll, I don't, and I'm on a non-fiction kick. I also just started Dog Days by John Katz. It's a follow up to Dogs of Bedlam Farm. How could I resist this cover?



Next up, the write ups of our South Dakota trip with pictures.

Gonna Turn This Day Around

I had to double check the calendar because I really thought today was Friday the 13th for awhile.

Our predicted sunny day was cloudy, dark and gloomy.

The granite people were coming today to put in our new kitchen counters (yes, I caved), so I cleared all the counter tops and under the sink. Then he called to say that he couldn't find a plumber, so we'd have to wait until next week. That's fine except that Al is going to be out of town most of next week, which isn't that big a deal, but he kind of wanted to be around.

Then I couldn't finish the crossword puzzle. Even with cheating! What's a 4-letter word for Should that be the case?

But then things started to look up. I was able to do the Jumble without a glitch, and I think I see a break in the clouds.

I think I'll turn this day around by going shopping. Shoe shopping! At least some window shopping. Maybe call a friend to have lunch with me. Maybe ice cream. Ice cream is always good.

Have a great weekend everyone.