Monday, January 28, 2008
When I started this blog, I planned to write deep and philosophical thoughts, to find that honest part of me that wrote without thinking of the consequences. But then I realized that people might actually be reading it and I didn’t want to bum everyone out, or worse bore anyone. So, the self-censoring started and the majority of light-hearted topics.
But I’m tired people, and I need to talk some stuff out before I explode.
These bouts of depression every other week are really frustrating and they are getting worse. The demons came out again last week and were flying all over the place. I couldn’t catch them to put them away, back in that little dark place of my brain. Instead, all I wanted to do was go down to a dark corner of the basement, wrap up in a blanket and watch Law and Order reruns.
In these times, every disappointing or upsetting thing that has ever happened in my life flickers on a loop, so I’m forced to relive those moments over and over again. Sometimes, I think of a time that I hurt someone and I think about what a horrible person I am and of all the things I should have done differently. Then there are the times that I think about when I was hurt and what a loser I am that I didn’t say something or do something about it. Mixed in are the old fashioned feelings of uselessness and sadness and being an utter failure.
Some how I pull it together enough to be standing upright by the time Al gets home and actually cook some dinner (or order pizza, depending on how bad the day had been). But some days, like this last Monday, was a crying day, and he knew that it was a bad day for me. The first clue was me sitting in the middle of the couch with a Kleenex in my hand and tears streaming down my face.
“I don’t know.”
He’s used to this answer, so he just sits with me. I know he wants to help but just doesn’t know what to do, and I have no idea what to tell him. There’s not much he can do. The fact that he’s still here, living through this with me, is the best thing he can do.
I can explain it away, however. I’ve been having bouts like this for the last 5 or 6 years to varying degrees of intensity. And I honestly think that about that time, I also went through a personality change and pulled away from everything and everyone. I’m not sure family members or friends would admit that out loud, but I think they would agree. I thought it was because of hormones and that I wasn’t getting enough exercise.
Then I was diagnosed with MS, and a lot of things started to fall into place. When I went in for my first visit with the MS Nurse Practioner, I was looking at a poster about lesions and their locations. I realized and showed Al how one of the lesions looked like mine and was in the exact place that my largest one was. The little explanatory bubble said something about how that area affected vocabulary, some other things I don’t remember, and personality. Personality? Damn. I’m not crazy and it’s not just in my head. Well, it is my head, it’s a dead spot in my head, but there’s a reason for what I had been going through.
Then, joy of joys, the medication causes depression. I think that is what I’m dealing with most of the time, since the worst days are Monday after my shot on Sunday night. There are those weeks when it lasts three or more days, then there are the weeks when I’m fine by Tuesday. The pattern is every other week. Coincidentally (or maybe not) it’s the week I take my shot in my left leg, the one that is more affected by the MS. Weird, huh?
Hormones could have something to do with it because as I’m reminded constantly, I am “into my 40s.” That age seems to be some kind of friggin’ threshold and now everything I feel is because my hormones are changing. It’s very easy to throw away emotions with the excuse that your just hormonal. Doesn’t help me, but it makes it easier for others to explain it away.
As a result of my weakness, the demons take over. I take Wellbutrin and it evens things out a bit, but I can’t help but wonder if it is no longer as affective. The MS message boards recommend therapy, but the doctors others recommend don’t take my insurance and my insurance just gives me a list of doctors in my area. I just don’t have the energy to start seeing these people until I find one I think I can talk to.
So I talk to you, dear readers! You lucky people. I wish I could say I feel better, but there’s a really good chance I will end up deleting this post. But it’s out there. Maybe talking out loud and releasing those demons is better than putting them back in.