What to Expect

Part of the fun of traveling is learning and trying to fit in. I’ve learned the hard way, so I thought I’d spare you the embarrassment by telling you some things that will happen when you visit Scotland.

You will feel like an idiot as you stand with an open hand full of coins and the bartender just takes what you owe out of your hand.

You will have to repeat yourself and ask others to repeat themselves. It’s not English, it’s dialect.

You will almost get run over when you try to cross the street because you didn’t look right first.

You will sit at a table in a pub, waiting for a server who will never come—order at the bar.

You will stare dumbfounded at the bus route sign, not recognizing any of the names of the stops.

You will get on the bus anyway because what the hell, it’s going in the direction you want to go.

You will get car sick at least once while riding in the Highlands.

You will try haggis—oh yes you will.

You will go into a kilt maker shop, then walk right back out again when you see the prices.

You will keep pushing the “start” button on the shower and wonder why it won’t start. Then you will see the “shower” label by the power switch outside the bathroom door.

You will not have a good hair day.

You will eventually stop saying, “Boy, it’s windy/rainy/cold” because it just is.

You will decide a cheese platter for dessert is a brilliant idea after you taste the amazing cheeses.

You will buy a wool, cable knit sweater.

You will start calling soccer, “football.”

You will feel like an idiot if you try to answer questions in a pub quiz.

You will not be sure how to answer when the server asks a) if you want your tea/coffee white, b) if you want white or brown toast, or c) if you want still or tap water. [a) with milk, b) white or wheat bread, c) bottled water without bubbles or water from the tap]

You will get used to ordering your Coke or water “with ice.”

You will wish you spent more time on the treadmill to prepare you for all the walking you will be doing and all the stairs you will be climbing.

You will start referring to things as “wee” and “lovely.”

You will go into every Scotland souvenir shop and look at the same trinket in every store but still not buy it.

You will wonder how soon you can go back to such an amazing place.