A Day in the Life

One of the frustrating things about having a chronic disease that can/might/probably will progress is that I start to question every little pain I have. A twinge in the thigh can have me searching through my memories, trying to decide if I have ever had a pain like that before. Then I spend the rest of the day trying to pay attention to see if that pain continues because a new pain lasting more than a day and interfering with daily life is when I have to call the doc. The new pain in question, however, is not in my thigh, it's in my face. A dull ache on my lower left jaw, to be exact.

Face pain of varying degrees of intensity is pretty much constant for me. That's the pain that sent me to the doctor in the first place. For years I've had a pain running along my left cheek, down the side of my nose, and into my teeth. When the pain is really intense, my eye also hurts and I'm sensitive to light, then eventually the whole left upper quarter of my head hurts. That's only if I don't catch it in time; usually I pop some ibuprofen and that takes the edge off for a while. For years I went back and forth between the dentist, telling me my teeth were fine and the doctor, telling me I had a sinus infection. Then the pain just stopped, and I lived happily pain-free for years. Then a few years ago, the pain came back with a vengeance. I made the rounds to the optometrist, the dentist, and finally the doctor, who ordered the MRI and found the lesion that led to the lumbar puncture that led to the MS diagnosis. (Sounds a little like the old woman who swallowed a fly, doesn't it--who swallowed the cat to catch bird, to catch the the spider, to catch the fly . . .)

Anyway, turns out that this pain is an early sign of MS. Go figure. And it actually has a name--trigemenal neuralgia. I'm kind of a classic case, in my humble opinion, and it only affects that middle left portion of my face. When the ibuprofen doesn't work and if I start getting small shocks through my cheek, I head into the doctor's office because now I'm probably having an exacerbation of the MS. That's when the steroid treatments start, and I really, really, really, let me say that again, really don't want to go through that again.

Now I'm having this pain in my lower jaw, parallel to the pain in my cheek and that's not my usual TN symptoms. So, it's gotta be my teeth, right? And even though I fear and loathe going to the dentist, who's actually a very nice guy, I called to have them checked. We've been through this before, he and I. Last February I went in because I thought that maybe this time the pain in my cheek really was my teeth, but they were fine and I ended up getting really sick and had to have the dreaded steroid treatment for the exacerbation. So, guess what happened this time. Yep. Teeth are fine. Maybe the gum has receded a little from the tooth, but everything looks fine and I had no reaction to any poking, prodding, tapping, or scrapping.

I feel so stupid. I'm like the little boy who cried wolf, but I'm the girl who cried cavity or root canal. They are very understanding and didn't charge me to check my teeth, but I'm just so embarrassed for wasting their time, yet again. My file probably has a little asterisk on it now for "here we go again." But at least I don't have to have a root canal or anything like that.

I also feel silly because I have been having little flare ups of my symptoms, but nothing that I can't live with, and my allergies have been driving me crazy and that can make my whole head hurt (plus trigger MS symptoms), but I still went to the dentist. I know that it's better to know for sure, and even the dentist said he'd much rather I come in and it be nothing than not come in and it be something. But still.

I don't want to blame everything on the MS and just ignore something as another aspect of the disease. I, also, don't want to be one of these people who's always complaining about some pain. So, when I finally decide to have something checked out, why am I embarrassed rather than relieved that it's nothing? How weird is that? Is there a special kind of neurosis for people who aren't relieved when they're told they don't need a root canal? Well, actually there is I guess. It's the fear that it has nothing to do with fixing something and all to do with a disease getting worse. That's not to say I'm getting worse! The MS nurse has told me repeatedly that new symptoms will show up, but that doesn't mean the disease is progressing. And many times I think I must have been misdiagnosed because I feel fine. Actually, most of the time--I feel good (thank you James Brown, heh!).

Well, now I can move on. My teeth are fine. Oh, he also asked me if I had been clinching my teeth. Um, yeah. I spend a lot of time clinching my teeth and biting my tongue so that I don't snap at people (usually the hubby), but I think that's just hormones, which is a post for another day.

Enough venting for one day. It's going to be gorgeous this weekend, with highs in the low 70s and sunny skies. I think that calls for a road trip in the Miata and a picnic.

In the Meantime

Just letting ya know that I'm taking a little time off. I'm feelin' a little puny, nothing really awful, just enough to slow me down some. But I didn't want anyone to think I had just disappeared.

In the meantime, here are those photos from the dog show. We were lucky and met some really, really nice dog people. Sometimes those shows can be kind of sad because you wonder what kind of life this is for a dog. But the people we talked to loved their dogs and loved to talk about them.

Can you find the puppy?



Basset--Isn't he beautiful?!? He serenaded us, too. Arooooooooooo!



Clumber Spaniel, named Chilly.



Spinone Italiano I really love these dogs. This is Darby.



Old English Sheepdog. There are eyes under there somewhere. Makes you wonder how they guard sheep if they can't see them.



PBGV This is what our dog was--great hound dogs. And so cute.

Tidbits

As I type this, my eyes are dilated because I had my eyes checked today. They’re in good shape, except that they’re getting older and small print is a little harder to read. But they’re fine, which is good because trouble with the optic nerve is very common with MS.

I have a separate appointment to get new contacts and to be re-trained on putting them in. I hate putting in my contacts. They’re large and they let oxygen in so they are comfortable, but I keep missing my eyeball and it takes me forever to get them in. I mentioned this to the MS nurse and she said it could be the MS, so when I told the lady who handles contacts she offered to sit down with me and help me figure out a way to put them in so that it won’t be so frustrating. I never even thought about that. I’ve taken such a strong attitude of just living my life as usual and living with whatever symptoms pop up, that it never occurred to me that there could be help out there! What a concept. Other people have this disease or work with people with this disease and they know some tricks on how to get around the irritating things.

Ya learn something every day. Thank goodness.

________________________

My friend that I attend a quilt group with said she found the perfect t-shirt for me in the latest Signals catalogue. It says “English Major. You Do The Math.” I wanted to put a picture of it here, but the website cleverly disabled my right click. So, you’ll just have to go there to see it.

There were some other clever t-shirts:

As soon as I finish this chapter (see here)

Lead me not into temptation . . . especially bookstores (see here)

Careful, or you’ll end up in my novel (see here)

The Queen is not amused. (see here)
Silly Boys. Trucks are for girls. (see here)

Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music? (see here)

Al got me a t-shirt that said “does anal retentive need a hyphen” But it irritated me because it was a question, but it didn’t start with a capital letter nor end with a question mark.

Telling, ain't it?

Withdrawls

Two more weeks of the Winter Weigh Down program at the base hospital. One more weigh-in, then they’re going to cut us lose. They’ve given us the sample menu, the food diary know-how to keep track of what little calories we’re allowed in a day, the pages and pages of what to have instead of that cookie or those chips, and the calorie-counting cards that tell us how many calories and how much fat is in fast food, so as to scare us off forever. All of us in our group have done very well sticking to the plan, writing everything down, making good choices, eating the correct portion size, and it shows in our weight loss.

But I just have one question. How the hell do skinny people eat like this all the time?!? I’m going to turn in to a freakin’ carrot. Healthy schmealthy, I want a hamburger and a sugar cookie with a bunch of gooey icing on it.

You know, I might feel differently if after losing almost 30 pounds in the last year someone would say, “Wow! How much weight have you lost? You look great!” But no. Doesn’t happen. My friend M that I’m doing this with said that the nutritionist that she’s been working with was deliriously happy to tell M that she has lost enough weight that she was no longer morbidly obese and she was now just obese. There’s a compliment in there somewhere.

They had someone from Life Skills come talk to us about the psychological side of weight loss—how to stay focused and on target. So, I asked him “I’ve read that I should reward myself for my short term goals that I achieve. But a reward to me would be food, like cheesecake. So, how do I overcome that first thought being for food?” He said that I could have that cheesecake, just not to overdo it. And another lady turned around to me and said, “You’ll get to where you just don’t want that because you’re changing your lifestyle.” Uh huh. OK. But no one would tell an alcoholic that she could have that beer, just don’t over do it. That’s extreme, but you’ve never seen me at a bakery. He just didn’t want to come out and tell me that it all comes down to me making that decision. I hate all that personal accountability stuff.

But one of the ladies at my table understood me. She said that she just can’t stop herself from eating ice cream. She loves it, it satisfies something in her, and she can’t seem to only have it in moderation. The guy from Life Skills said that she should just look in the mirror and admire how good she’s looking and think about how she wants to look even better and that can be her encouragement.

Him: “What do you say when you look in the mirror?”
Her: “Hi Mom! When did you get here?”

It would probably help if I would stop watching Food Network all the time. It seems that every time I turn it on, they are focusing on sweets or fried foods. Al says I’m the person advertisers live for—I’m so suggestible.

Actually, Food Network is on right now. They’re going to make sweet potato cheesecake. Oh dear. Hey, that would be a healthy choice, right? Sweet potatoes are a better choice, right? Isn’t it a veggie? A starch veggie, but a veggie all the same.

No? OK, OK. I’ll get the carrots.

UPDATE: I've added a post on my travel blog. This one is about arriving in Islay and the Bunnahabhain distillery. And it's only half a day!